At a ‘Healing Retreat’, one of the participants says: “I trust myself” and I burst into tears. Three simple words. I think about them everyday and sometimes like that day, I hurt.
I have always had ‘trust issues’. You can’t trust anyone. Its a lesson I am taught through pain and at perhaps too young an age. Though, I consider myself irrevocably soft. When it comes to trust, while that’s one of the harder parts of my heart.
“I trust myself” It wasn’t until I heard those words that I realised, I did not even trust myself. An epiphany. I did not trust others because they hurt me, but over time, I had eternalised all that and I had and do hurt myself.
and I hurt myself, so that it doesn’t hurt when others do it
and when it does,
I punish myself for nearly completing the trust fall.
and when I am numb,
I harm myself to feel.
and sometimes I harm myself,
because I am afraid
and you cannot trust those you fear.
I have been slowly grappling with that for nearly two years now: how to trust myself. So today, I wrote myself a recipe:
I am going to heal the self-inflicted wounds
take deep breaths
do the things that set my soul on fire
follow my instincts
and I will not berate or punish myself when those instincts occasionally fail me
I will continue to dig deeper into myself
I will love myself
I will live creatively
and on the numb days, the tenebrous days- I will write- for my pen is my light.
on the light days- I will write still
and every day, every day, I will think on those words-I trust myself- they will become mantra, practice and belief.
I trust myself